Feeling anxious.
My beloved is going to attend the Exodus Global Alliance conference in Toronto this week. I felt good about saying that I wasn’t really interested in attending… and since she doesn’t drive I thought that would be it. I said if she wanted to go, that’s okay with me – so she’s figured out a way to go. Not sure where this will lead.
Bridgeout posted this article by Anita at Grace Unfolding. There’s lots to make me think here: Some excerpts:
Why are you gay?
What’s the first answer that comes to your mind?
- I’m being tested by God to see if I’ll remain obedient and faithful.
- I’m being tempted by the enemy who wants to destroy me.
- I was born with a defect in my personality or a genetic flaw.
- Something happened to me in my childhood.
- I gave into sin because I was spiritually weak.
- I was just born gay.
- I’m not really gay. I only fell in love with a woman.
Depending on where you are in the reconciliation process your answer to the question might be different today than it was last week or last month, and different than it might be a year from now. At some point early on in my own experience I tried them all on for size, sometimes all at once which made for some really crazy and confusing thinking and if these uncertain answers shared any common thread it was this, that the bottom line reason for why I was gay came down to being my fault. It was my choice, my weakness, my genetic makeup, my quirky predisposition, my sin.…
As GLBTQ Christians we have a unique ministry in the middle. We stand with one foot in the GLBTQ community and the other in the church and by our very lives we say to both that one doesn’t exclude the other. To the GLBTQ community we bring the reality of God’s grace to those who have experienced personally and collectively rejection and abuse in God’s name, and to the church we bring the constant reminder that the Gospel of Jesus, rather than dogma or doctrine, lays at the center of the Christian faith. In our very lives we’ve brought Christian and queer together. We’ve found a way to resolve the conflict, to reconcile these two pieces of our very identity and so if we can bridge that space within our own hearts, we bring hope that the same can unfold among GLBTQ people and the Church. There’s a place for Christ in the GLBTQ community. There’s a place for GLBTQ people in the church. We know this because there’s room in our lives for both to simply be.…
If that’s where you’re at I’m going to suggest you take on a little project. Here it is. For the next four days imagine that what I’ve just written is true; that you have the sexual orientation or the gender identity you have because God has given you a special calling and ministry. If four days is too long then just do it for two days. Just two. For the next two days when you pray, thank God for the gift He’s entrusted to your care and ask for guidance in living out your call in the day before you. When you rise from your prayers and move into your day, do so with the confidence and humility that your life is a living epistle read by all of the grace and love and awesome wonder that is God in Christ Jesus.…
Lots to think about.
May 7, 2008 at 10:47 am
Thank you for your comment. I left you my email address under the “about” page back at bridgeout…
take care,
Wendy
May 12, 2008 at 10:00 pm
my answer is i am that i am. so it is an integral part of my wholeness and because i have always felt great about being gay, i have the gift of being myself like so many others who are predominantly straight. I do not take it for granted however because i see the difference spelled out in our culture of hate every day. Because of that and only that, people outside myself namely a society of non thinkers or shall i say people who listen to what they are told and take on judgement as their own, it has become my struggle in which i have been forced to take on as an identity. I liked your blog. I am not influenced too much by this christian stuff but i do believe in something personal, converse always with that and do not usually ever feel the need to share it with others unless asked.
May 13, 2008 at 12:15 am
Thanks for your comments… I admire your ability to accept who you are so readily, with self judgment. That is truly a gift.
May 13, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Yes, do you feel straight people who have the same ability to accept themselves so readily, with self judgement need to hear that they have the same gift? Or no?
May 15, 2008 at 3:57 am
I recently crafted my own response to this issue in an article titled, “Homosexuality: Is it in the Jeans or in the Genes. If you have the chance, read it and let me know what you think.
May 15, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Ewe,
Good question! I think it is indeed a gift to be able to accept one’s self. Straight or gay, we all live in families and communities and attend churches who have expectations for us, and none of us turn out to be the people others want us to be. If we can learn to accept ourselves, with all of our failures and faults and misgivings and quirks and personality strengths, we can truly become the people we were meant to be. That is what I believe. The difficult part is deciding what is “simply me” and what is (in theological terms) “my sinful nature.” I’ve been thinking a lot about freedom, and what it really means to be free. A sign on a large nearby church this week announces Sunday’s sermon “the burden of freedom”. Our freedom is indeed a burden, in many ways. We can choose to live whatever life we want and still receive our salvation, if we want it. But to truly live a life that glorifies God is a different question. Sometimes living a life that glorifies God means denying oneself. When Jesus calls us to deny ourselves, that does not mean we live in denial of who we really are. No, it means that, recognizing who we really are, and accepting who we are, we still make choices (such as staying in my mixed orientation marriage) that are based on denying the expression of an important part of me for a greater good.
I didn’t think this response was going to be this long – but I needed to following this line of thinking for a bit!
Thanks, ewe!
May 20, 2008 at 12:11 am
How kind of you to express yourself. My, how differently we think. However i am not married to someone of the opposite sex so do not have the same issues or needs for expression. I do know that “to sin means to miss the mark” as an author wrote in a book i happen to have recently read. And i have to say that the issue of Jesus calling you to deny yourself is strange to me. Jesus lived so long ago. How did he become everything relating to the topic of God? Why would Jesus ever want one to move forward to love others without accepting themselves first? I cannot see how the greater good could even be possible under those circumstances. My orientation has little to do with physical acts. I am who i am and continue to be whether or not i have another physical inhabitant in my life to share myself with emotionally and/or physically. This would be about shame if i was feeling the way you do and i would like to tell you that from what i am reading, it appears to me that you may possibly be bisexual. How wonderful for you if true. I do not mean to be confrontational or tell you what you are but must ask you if you deny a part of who you are, does it not always consistently manifest itself anyway? Truthfully, if i was to deny the fact that i am a homosexual man, i would drive myself completely bonkers fighting off what i cannot. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just happen. I really do not know how to respond to christian principles about freedom of choice etc. It does not seem that there is freedom to choose at all if the choice one makes does not fall within the rules of other human beings policies and acceptable practices. I would not be fullfilling gods creation if i do not be. Being is so vital. It is the reason we are here and the lesson to learn. I hope you do well. Usually i become extremely confrontational and verbal with people who have an issue with openly gay people and am trying to understand without being told or having someone imply i have to change. Again the foundation for all this faith based stuff is heterosexuality. I have a problem accepting that because if we say that is the starting point then everything else is just an offshoot of that. I reject heterosexuality as the life one who is not should feel the need to strive toward. Do you? I feel that would be a waste of my time and hence my own life.
Love and light.
May 20, 2008 at 1:33 pm
Hi ewe,
When I talk about denying myself, I do not mean denying who I am. I am totally convinced that it is most unhelpful for me to deny that I am gay. (By the way, I’m not bisexual… my wedding night was the scariest of my life – I did not want sex. Since my wife wasn’t going to go without, I soon learned how to “make love”, but it has never really been any different from masturbation. Now when I’m with a man, that’s a different story!)
Back to the topic. Jesus said, “If anyone would be my disciple, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me” (Luke 9:23; from memory, so may not be exactly right!). I believe that that is saying that we are to deny ourselves certain benefits or pleasures in life – Jesus will make clear to us what those things are. So, I can totally accept that I am gay, but Jesus could be asking me to deny myself enjoying the pleasure of gay sex. I am talking only for myself, in my context as a devoted husband and father. I would never expect anyone else to live this way, even though they might choose to do so. I am offended when Christians tell others how they can or cannot express their sexuality. Each of us has to decide how we will think and act depending on our own beliefs and values. Which is what it sound like you are doing! So, well done, and thanks for your comments.
May 20, 2008 at 3:06 pm
your welcome. good luck to you.