I’m back

It’s been way too long since I’ve posted. The summer has been busy, and I’ve had lots of conversations both with my wife and others on this issue of sexuality. I’ve been challenged to take down this blog… I’m reluctant to do that, though. I feel like this blog has contributed greatly to my processing on this journey, and I believe it can help other men and women on similar paths. It also stands as a reminder for myself of where I have been, what changes have taken place in my thinking, what has challenged me. If this storm ever settles, I don’t want to forget what it was like to be in the middle of it. I want others to know that it is okay to be in this storm.

 

Why is it okay to be in this storm? Firstly, because there is nothing wrong with questioning what I believe. There is nothing wrong with speaking the truth about what I feel and experience on a daily basis. Whatever the outcome, in many ways I believe that this storm has been the right place for me to be.

 

It has been hard, oh so hard, on my wife and on our relationship. But I believe that ultimately this is good too. I feel like I no longer need to hide the struggles I go through as a gay man married to a straight woman, and one seeking to do it in the most honest and faithful way possible. I ache some days over the pain she is experiencing, but I know that in the end there will be good that comes out of it. And I feel no guilt over it, because I’ve only resolved to be honest with myself and with my wife. I also believe that eventually my children will understand that, just as it is important to know and understand what one believes and why, there will come times when the experiences of life will severely challenge those beliefs. They need to know that it is okay – healthy, in fact – to be honest about their feelings, and it is okay to wonder about the nature of truth and how we find it. I don’t want my journey and my struggle to be a secret known only by myself and a few close friends. I often think that my journey would have been easier had I known some of the struggles my father and grandfathers had gone through. Maybe knowing about my experiences and struggles will help my children on their sojourns here.

 

Why have I been encouraged to quit this blog? Well, for starters there have been some things on here that my wife may not appreciate the whole world knowing. For that reason, I may go back and edit or hide some of the more personal posts. Secondly, there are also some posts that contain links to other sites that do contain some porn or other material that I do not wish to be associated with. These links were made to illustrate the different paths individuals choose to take on their journeys with same-sex attraction. I will remove some of these links, not for the sake of censorship – everybody has the right to express their views, their loves, themselves – but out of deference and respect for the men and women in my life who are journeying most closely with me through this storm.

 

I have done a lot of reading over recent weeks, and I hope in the coming weeks to post more about what I have read.

 

In the meantime, let me recommend to you D.S. Reade’s memoir, Superheroes, Saviors, and Sinners Without Secrets. While our stories are vastly different, I also find I have much in common with David Reade, and there are parts of this book I think I could have written myself.

 

 

 

An Invitation

The Invitation

By Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

I came across this poem late last year, soon after I announced to my dear wife that I needed to leave her to embrace my real self. I thought it was about time to post it on my blog, since it so radically impacted the way I see myself.

This poem still speaks to me, but maybe not in the same way. While I still believe in being authentic, in being true to yourself, I’m still no clearer about what that means. The line that says, “I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,” maybe could say, “I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to the truth.” At least that would open it up to the possibility of that there is some greater truth in life than what I know and what I experience. On the other hand, the truth that I am gay and am unlikely to change is very obvious to me, and I see no point in denying it, or belittling the fact by calling it “same-gender attraction.”

Not sure where I am going with this… I feel melancholy… I want life to be easy…

I just spent an hour looking at soft porn on youtube – a waste of time, maybe. A giving in to my desire to be titillated, maybe. But I still see it somehow as a recognition of who I am, sinful though it may be…

 

Fire

It’s been a while since I posted. Certain events (which I will not mention here) have contributed to me being a little more focussed on simply being a Dad and husband. Well, some sort of husband (just not a very amorous one). This might continue for the next few months, while I try to take a break from pondering the issues surrounding my sexuality.

That might be hard to do. For example, let me tell you about Phil (we’ll call him Phil, although that’s not his real name). Phil is a neighbour around the corner. I can see the back of his house from my front porch. Since this is small town Ontario, I also know Phil’s two brothers. One of them I am 99% sure is gay. He’s in his 30s, still lives with his parents, and every time I see him he sets off my gaydar. But I don’t think he is “out.”

But let’s get back to Phil. Phil has three kids, slightly older than my three. He is rather quiet. Not just in a shy way, but in a way that makes you nervous for him. And he always seems nervous. He’s also generous, and kind, always willing to help out in a neighbourly way.

This morning Phil tried to kill himself. I was working a night shift, so I missed the “excitement” on my street at 4 am today. My next-door neighbour was already up, when suddenly his front porch lit up. He thought his porch was on fire, so went to look, and there was a man on the street in front of his house totally ablaze. Within seconds the flames died down, so the man when across the street to where he had left a jerry can, and proceeded to douse himself and set himself ablaze again. My neighbour called emergency services, and the police were there in minutes. He was eventually taken away in an ambulance… he had been wearing only underwear, which was burnt to a crisp, his hair was burnt off, and no one knew who he was. Of course, no one could recognize him with the massive burns he had. It wasn’t until much later in the day that we learned that it was Phil.

I have no idea why Phil might have done this. But I couldn’t help thinking that maybe Phil is gay and was finally sick of living a pretend life. That maybe it was an issue something like the one I described back in this March post. I could be, and probably am, totally wrong. I only tell you this story to illustrate the point in my opening paragraph. I try to take a break from pondering my own sexuality, but when something like this happens I can’t help but think that sex is part of the issue.

Well, if you pray, pray for Phil. The rumour is they airlifted him to a Toronto hospital.

 

Happy Canada Day?

What a bittersweet Canada Day.

Our Governor-General, has named abortionist Henry Morgentaler to a Member of the Order of Canada, “for his commitment to increased health care options for women, his determined efforts to influence Canadian public policy and his leadership in humanist and civil liberties organizations.”

I am disgusted. I know many of fellow sojourners do not share my pro-life views, but this appointment, in my opinion, not only honours a mass murderer, it has brought disrepute to the process by which people are named to this honour (in that it was not a unanimous decision); it has shown that the governor general’s office can no longer be trusted (it previously asserted that Morgentaler was not on the list of recipients); and (as the first commenter on this news site suggests) serves only to increase the antagonism between the sides of the abortion debate in Canada.

(For those who do not know, Canada is the only developed country that has no abortion law. Hence, abortion is legal by any method at any time during a pregnancy.)

 

Reflections… Questions…

While I have, of course, “struggled” with my sexuality for about 25 years, it has really only been in the last year that I have felt compelled to truly embrace who I am. When I started blogging about this in March of this year, I initially titled my blog “through the storm,” realizing that, whatever the outcome of this journey, it certainly felt like living through a storm. As a man of faith, I imagine myself in the disciples’ boat, with Jesus sleeping in the bow as a mighty storm whips up the waves in the sea.

 

I remain in this storm… but it seems to have taken on a different nature. I no longer feel so alone. I no longer feel I need to be silent. Jesus still sleeps, but the presence of God is yet a common feeling and powerful reality for me. I know that He is in control, even when the questions keep coming, the anger in me rises repeatedly, and the doubts loom larger than my faith.

 

I have lots of questions.

 

How can I be real? How can I be truly honest? I am being honest with myself. But I still have fear that if I am totally honest with my wife that that would be like giving in, and saying goodbye to my marriage and my family, which I truly value. I admire Casey for the honesty with which he is proceeding.

 

Reflecting on my previous post, I wonder why I was so taken by Jim Lyon’s sermon? There really was nothing new there – nothing that I hadn’t considered before. I still have questions about why we Christians want to take the whole Bible so seriously, when the truth is we all pick and choose which parts of it we want to follow.

My big question is about this scripture: But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust. (I Corinthians 7:9). First of all, I don’t really believe Paul had an understanding of homosexuality as we do today. He saw it as unnatural – Romans 1 proves this. In a sense I see it as unnatural too, in that it was not part of God’s original design. But then, nor do I believe that physical blindness or paralysis or arthritis were part of His original design. Just as diseases and physical imperfections were part of the fall, so is homosexuality. We have learned that homosexuality can no more be “cured”, than can blindness. Sure, there are some cases where miracles or medicine or both have cured blindness, and I believe that in some cases miracles or psychotherapy have changed homosexuals to heterosexuals. But for most of us – as for most blind persons – our sexual orientation seems to be immutable. So, lets assume Paul gained an understanding of homosexuality as we understand it today – as a fixed orientation that is both unchosen and immutable. What would he say to homosexuals in a similar predicament to the heterosexuals mentioned in 1 Corinthians? Would he not give them similar advice? What would Paul say to gay men and women today? I find it hard to believe that he would have been as judgmental as he comes across in the scriptures.

I guess one big question per post is enough…