Tonight at church we watched The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. My wife was supposed to preach, but sleep apnoea prevented her from being up to it, so she decided to put on the DVD for the faithful few who showed up.

Back in November, when I told her I had to accept myself as a gay man and started talking about leaving, she described gay sex as being my “turkish delight” (I received this as an accusation). Edmond in the movie is seduced by the white witch with pormises of more turkish delight, and is willing to even betray his siblings in order to satisfy his culinary cravings.

In some ways I thought the analogy was appropriate… was I really¬†willing to sacrifice my family – my loving wife, three wonderful kids, my in-laws whose generosity has won my heart, the respect of my own siblings who will have difficulty accepting me if I walk away from my wife, for an uncertain future of possible or improbable sexual fulfilment?

Watching this movie again raises questions again:

How do I weigh what I might lose against my desire for sexual integrity and fulfilment?

My sexual identity is not all there is of me…but it is more than just “turkish delight.” To be sure, there is great physical pleasure to be had, and in a way this is like candy. But didn’t Jesus even recognize sexual orientation as basic to our overall identity when he spoke about natural eunuchs (see my link “born eunuchs” for more on this)?

Clearly, the movie portrays Edmond’s desire for turkish delight to be sinful… Up until six months ago I considered my sexual desires sinful. Now I do not see my homosexual desires as any different to my brother’s heterosexual desires. It’s what we do with them that has the potential to be sinful… Would divorcing my wife be a sin? Would it harm my children? I’m not sure of the answers to these questions, and in the meantime I am content to stay where I am – choosing simultaneously to accept my sexuality and to be faithful to my wife and kids. Am I crazy?