What do I want?

That hardly seems the right question… but it is.

I am tempted to go on tangents. Tangents that take me away from this question, but eventually back again.

Here are some tangents:

Freedom:

  • What did Paul really mean when he said “all things are permissible…”?
  • Discuss freedom in terms of Bonhoeffer’s Ethics.
  • I really do believe that we are free. Salvation is by grace, through faith. Period. No lifestyle choices of mine can nullify that fact.
  • (Ward Schumaker, from http://www.illustrationfriday.com/interviews/wardschumaker.php)
  • When we are free, we have lots of choices. We get to decide how we shall live.

The nature of the debate:

  • Indeed, the “just war” analogy used by Craig Nessan seems to be appropriate for the homosexuality debate. The church can, if we are willing, agree to disagree on this.
  • The nature of the authority of the Bible is important… the only argument conservatives have going for them is their interpretation of the Bible.

Responsibility:

  • What does it mean to take responsibility as a father? As a husband?
  • For my own choices?
  • For my sexual orientation?

Change:

  • To what extent am I responsible for change?
  • How do I co-labour with Christ towards this end?
  • I really do not believe change is possible. (Is that a “sin” of unbelief?) My sexual orientation was not a choice. It is an intrinsic part of who I am.

So, now that I have those tangents out of the way, what was the question? Oh yes, what do I want?

1. I want to embrace who I am. I want to be able to pursue a fulfilling life as a gay man. What would that look like? Having the freedom to seek out a man to be my partner in life – sexually, spiritually, emotionally. To choose to be faithful to that one man, together to demonstrate the love and grace of God to a world in turmoil.

2. I want my family, and I want to be faithful. To my wife, to the vows we made. I want a “happy home.”

I don’t want to be seen to be letting my wife down, to be letting my children down, to be letting my family down. I don’t want to be seen as abandoning my faith, or abandoning orthodoxy. But really, should I care about how I am seen by others? Or am I really saying, should I care about how I am seen by God?

3. Most of all, I don’t want to abandon my faith:

I feel I’m not ready to decide which way to go. Even though in some ways it is now impossible to go back to being the happy family we once thought we were. Is there really a way to remove this elephant from under our rug?

It has been dangerous to come to this place of loving and accepting myself. I hope the journey through this storm will prove worthwhile.

 

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