This weekend has been a difficult one. We are planning on going to Australia in October – my sister has liver cancer, and I am simply homesick. I get SAD during these Canadian winters… I also think there are better work opportunities for me there.

 

Of course, this is really hard for my wife, who does not want to leave her home, her family, to go to the other side of the world to live with her gay husband who can’t make up his mind what he wants most of all. She has agreed to go for nine months on a trial basis, so we are packing up the house, and will be back in Ontario in the summer of 2009.

 

So, Friday evening we had a big blow-up. I guess I haven’t been taking much leadership in the family to get ready, and I kind of expected my wife to happily work on sorting through the 40-years-worth of stuff she has collected… at one point I “lost it” and threw the hand-held electronic Sudoku game I had been playing at her. I am extremely ashamed to admit this… after all, I am a Christian, a committed husband and father, and I am a counsellor with an agency whose goal is to end men’s violence against women. I really am more messed up than I thought.

 

Of course, this experience has left me shaken. I really didn’t think I had that in me. I thought I was the epitome of a self-controlled man (well, not counting all the times I acted out sexually in the past, of course). Should I take this as a cue that this relationship really is over? Should I take it as a cue to do some serious reconsiderations of my values and my choices? I thought of all the things I might have said to a man who was sent to me for counselling after he assaulted his wife. Wow. I think I would be telling this guy that he needs to consider if the stress of living in a straight marriage was too much for him. That taking some “time-out” from the relationship might be useful. That he needs to find other ways to express himself, than resorting to violence. That it was good that he was getting help the first time this has happened. I guess I need to talk to my boss… and then I worry if that would put my job at risk…

 

That night, while at my other night job, I was able to speak to ME on the phone. He helped me at least figure out a plan to work towards getting my family to Australia, without expecting my wife to take the major responsibility towards it. After all, it really is something I want to do, not her. So for now, we are still working towards that plan.

 

I pray for God to help me be the man I ought to be.

 

And I can feel a few more posts coming on!

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