It’s been a while since I posted. Certain events (which I will not mention here) have contributed to me being a little more focussed on simply being a Dad and husband. Well, some sort of husband (just not a very amorous one). This might continue for the next few months, while I try to take a break from pondering the issues surrounding my sexuality.

That might be hard to do. For example, let me tell you about Phil (we’ll call him Phil, although that’s not his real name). Phil is a neighbour around the corner. I can see the back of his house from my front porch. Since this is small town Ontario, I also know Phil’s two brothers. One of them I am 99% sure is gay. He’s in his 30s, still lives with his parents, and every time I see him he sets off my gaydar. But I don’t think he is “out.”

But let’s get back to Phil. Phil has three kids, slightly older than my three. He is rather quiet. Not just in a shy way, but in a way that makes you nervous for him. And he always seems nervous. He’s also generous, and kind, always willing to help out in a neighbourly way.

This morning Phil tried to kill himself. I was working a night shift, so I missed the “excitement” on my street at 4 am today. My next-door neighbour was already up, when suddenly his front porch lit up. He thought his porch was on fire, so went to look, and there was a man on the street in front of his house totally ablaze. Within seconds the flames died down, so the man when across the street to where he had left a jerry can, and proceeded to douse himself and set himself ablaze again. My neighbour called emergency services, and the police were there in minutes. He was eventually taken away in an ambulance… he had been wearing only underwear, which was burnt to a crisp, his hair was burnt off, and no one knew who he was. Of course, no one could recognize him with the massive burns he had. It wasn’t until much later in the day that we learned that it was Phil.

I have no idea why Phil might have done this. But I couldn’t help thinking that maybe Phil is gay and was finally sick of living a pretend life. That maybe it was an issue something like the one I described back in this March post. I could be, and probably am, totally wrong. I only tell you this story to illustrate the point in my opening paragraph. I try to take a break from pondering my own sexuality, but when something like this happens I can’t help but think that sex is part of the issue.

Well, if you pray, pray for Phil. The rumour is they airlifted him to a Toronto hospital.

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